


Doing What's Best

by isaytheenay



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-15
Updated: 2014-07-15
Packaged: 2018-02-09 00:46:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,526
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1962570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isaytheenay/pseuds/isaytheenay
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky knows that Steve's got a real, honest-to-God chance here, and he doesn't want him throwing that away.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Doing What's Best

“You should go home with Peggy, Steve. When this is all over.”

Steve looked up from his sketchbook, a deep frown on his face. “What?”

Bucky didn’t say anything at first. He was roughly folding some clothes and tossing them back into his bag in the corner. The space in Steve’s tent was small (after all, it was only meant for one person, and Steve wasn’t exactly small anymore), but they managed fine. Looking over his shoulder at Steve, he quickly smiled, shrugging and picking up another shirt to occupy himself. “C’mon, you think I haven’t seen you lookin’ at her?”

He sighed, setting down his pencil. “Bucky—”

“She’s a good girl, Steve. Strong, smart, kind, all like you. She doesn’t back down from a fight either, and we know how much of a problem you’ve got with that one.” He smirked, but Steve wasn’t seeing the humor.

“And what, you think I’m just gonna up and go off with Peggy? What about our plans? Gettin’ outta here, going back to Brooklyn, staying in that old house for the rest of our lives?”

Bucky’s smile faded a little. “That’s not a way to live, Steve.”

“We did it before we went to war, and nothing’s gonna change that.”

Bucky rolled up the shirt and threw it into the bag, harder than before. “You don’t get it. You can’t be spendin’ the rest of your life with a guy like me.”

He straightened. “And why not?”

“You think we’ll ever be able to go out? Not just get a burger or go to Coney Island. I’m talking about seein’ the sights, walkin’ together, holdin’ hands… that’s not gonna happen back home, not now, not ever. At least not in our time.”

“You never know,” Steve said defiantly.

Bucky scoffed. “I know it’s true, and so do you. Don’t pretend any different.”

Steve closed his book, setting it aside. “So what if we can’t go out? It doesn’t matter. We can still see the sights, we can hold hands. Maybe not everywhere, but… it’ll be okay. We’ll make it work.”

Bucky sighed, shaking his head. “That’s not… you’re not seein’ my point.” He turned to Steve, eyes tired and expression solemn. “You can’t pass up a good life with Peggy to live in the dark with me.”

“It wouldn’t be an honest life.”

“Neither would this one.”

Steve huffed, aggravated. “Bucky, I’m not gonna live a lie with Peggy for her entire life. She could find someone, someone she truly loves and be just as happy as I’d be with you.”

Growling a little, he finally whirled around and faced him. “But it’s not gonna be the same, Steve! We can’t go out and I can’t hold you or kiss you or do anything I can with the girls. It’s not fair, but that’s how things work.” He took a deep breath, turning away again a little. “You’re better off with a girl. You’ll be happier.”

Steve finally stood, nearing his rope’s end. “You’re kidding me, right? You think you know what would make me happy? You think if I left you for Peggy, I’d be living the dream?” Steve couldn’t help a bitter laugh, slowly approaching Bucky. “You really think that?”

His shoulders sagged, but he didn’t back down. “I—it’d be better than this, Steve, it’s all I’m saying.”

“Better how?” he asked through his teeth.

Bucky spread his arms. “You wouldn’t have to be hiding in here to be with me. We wouldn’t have to wait until the middle of the night to actually say the things we want to say. You’d be able to take her anywhere you wanted, tell her exactly how you felt and not worry about who overheard. You could—” he paused, sighing. “You could have a family. Have a couple of kids, get a damn dog if you really wanted. You’d have _everything_.”

Steve stared at him in disbelief. “I’d have _nothing_.”

 “Bullshit, Steve, don’t give me that.”

“I wouldn’t have _you_. Maybe you’re the one who’s not getting this. I can live whatever life I want, and I’m choosing a life with you.”

“Jesus, you _can’t_ do this!”

“Damn it, Buck, I can do whatever the hell I want!”

“You’re not listening to me—”

“No one says I’ve gotta!”

Bucky threw his arms up. “Stop being an idiot for Christ’s sake, I won’t let you do this, you’re not choosing this—”

Steve reacted on pure instinct, launching a fist and connecting it directly with Bucky’s jaw. Bucky was thrown back, his head snapping to one side as he stumbled back, hand immediately coming up to his face and body bent over. There was a long period of silence, both of them breathing hard. Steve’s anger vanished as soon as it had come however, and he was suddenly overwhelmed with immense guilt. He stepped forward carefully, reaching a hand out. “God, Buck, I—”

Bucky held a hand up, stopping Steve short. He straightened slowly and pulled a hand away from his now split lip. There was blood on his fingertips. He licked his lips, wincing a little, then wiped his fingers off on his shirt. “Don’t tell me you’re sorry, Rogers,” he muttered, his voice rough.

Steve opened his mouth to apologize regardless, but he stopped himself; he realized that, in truth, he wasn’t really sorry. Regardless, his heart ached at what he’d done, as well as when he spoke again: “You don’t wanna be with me anymore.”

“That’s not true,” Bucky said sharply, eyes meeting his for a brief moment before turning away again.

“Well it sure as hell sounds like it,” he said softly, some of his past anger rising again, but it didn’t stay for very long. “You’re relentlessly trying to make me go home with Peggy. You should know that I don’t love her like I love you. She’s a great girl, like you said, but she’s not… You think I wanna live a life with her and a couple of kids, knowing that you’re out there somewhere, somewhere that I’m not, and I don’t know if you’re safe or something? You think I want to grow old with Peggy knowing that the whole time, my heart’s been with you? It’s not fair to her, it’s not fair to me, and it sure ain’t fair to you, either.” He sighed again, his expression helpless. “She’s not you.”

Bucky’s eyes were fixed on the floor. “I just want what’s best for you, Stevie,” he said, barely above a whisper. “You know that.”

Finally, he smiled. “I do. But I also know what’s best for me, too.” He closed the space between them, carefully lifting a hand up and brushing his fingers over the bruise that slowly bloomed over his skin. “And that’s you, Buck.”

It was a ghost of a smile, but it was there all the same. Steve returned it and leaned in, kissing the opposite corner of Bucky’s mouth, avoiding the cut. “Sorry about that,” he murmured against his skin, pulling back and attempting to meet Bucky’s gaze. It took a minute, but he finally met Steve’s eyes and rested his hands on his waist, pulling him close. Steve removed whatever distance there was between them, raising a hand and running it through Bucky’s hair.

“Hey, I told you not to say that,” he said teasingly, grinning when Steve laughed. “I’m the one who ought to be sorry.” He dropped his gaze again, instinctively turning his head to one side when Steve leaned in again to kiss his aching jaw. It hurt like a son of a bitch, but Bucky wasn’t going to say it aloud. Steve would make it better, like he always did.

“No more of this,” Steve said after another stretch of silence. “No more thinkin’ I’d be better off with some dame. I’ve got you, and you’ve got me. There’s no changing that.”

“Got it.” Steve had pulled back again, now ducking his head to get a better look at him. Bucky felt something in his stomach twist and he tried to avoid his eyes. Sometimes, he didn’t know how on earth he’d gotten someone as perfect as Steve to fall for him. It was times like this where he didn’t feel he even deserved him. Peggy deserved him; she wouldn’t tell Steve to leave her.

“Hey, jerk,” Steve started lightly, his voice low. “Look at me.”

Bucky did; he could rarely refuse Steve, after all. But when he did, he only felt sadness and guilt and nothing less than pure selfishness. Steve’s demeanor changed instantly, his smile disappearing. Bucky didn’t give him a chance to ask what was wrong. He moved his hands and wrapped both arms around Steve’s waist, burying his face into his neck. He felt Steve’s heavy sigh, felt a hand on his shoulder and another weaving through his hair again.

“You’re a punk,” Bucky whispered shakily, his voice muffled against Steve’s skin. For some reason, Steve laughed, squeezing him in his arms.

“Yeah, but you’re mine. Wouldn’t have you any other way, Buck.”

He smiled again, and somehow, he knew everything was going to be alright. 


End file.
